This last year was pretty brutal and our hearts are still in recovery mode. A little more than half way through 2015 we suffered and insanely painful loss of a friend and the end of 2015 brought another tragic and unexpected loss of a family member. I felt completely crushed and yet like I was sprinting into 2016. I felt like I couldn’t get out of 2015 fast enough and that somehow 2016 would bring shelter from the pain and provide safety. Turns out it didn’t really go that way. Instead it was a year filled with so much change and just the harsh reality of how life just goes on no matter how badly you are hurting. My head was spinning and my heart was aching. I had a zillion answerless questions. On top of that I entered motherhood for the third time. River was born at the end of January. He was beautiful and perfect in every way yet my heart was scared to connect with his. I was fragile. I was broken. How was I suppose to love him perfectly in the midsts of what felt like an overwhelming sea of uncertainty. I questioned everything I thought I knew about myself. I made statements about being done having babies, even though I have always wanted four, and I started pondering the idea of moving away and starting over… With my little family of course!
As this year is concluding I’m finding more clarity. I’m digging deep and reminding myself that I am brave and that I refuse to allow fear to dictate my decision making. I’m reminding myself of God’s promises and I’m standing on His truth even in the storm.
My exterior is pretty tough and I stay pretty even tempered. I always try and remain positive so even the people closest to me will probably be shocked by some of these truths. But with 2017 approaching I am choosing positivity as well as vulnerability. I’m choosing to not always present myself as “all together” and I am determined to connect more deeply and live my life more presently. Pain is tricky. Grief is tricky. It all comes in waves and sometimes I ride the waves well and other times they knock me on my ass. I’m not gonna be afraid of people learning that I’m down and I’m not going to shy away from others re learning things about me. I’m giving myself the freedom to change old patterns and break bad habits. I know it’s gonna be hard and there will undoubtably be growing pains but I’m strong and I will get through this.
So ready or not here comes 2017 and with that I’m thinking there will be some big changes for this crew of mine!
Oh mama, your words of running from 2015 into 2016 in search of hope and that it would be different are exactly what I thought. Turns out 2016 was not much better than 2015. And I like you hold most together, so most people don’t know. It’s so hard to let the real vunerable stuff be out there for everyone to know. But go you! And I will be right there inching along with
You 😘😘 hopefully when 2018 hits we will feel a lot more hopeful than 15 and 16.