Before River Gold was born we thought we would absolutely have four children! After he arrived we absolutely believed we were done! I feel guilty sharing that because it makes me nervous that people will get the wrong idea… like that he was a “bad baby” or that we didn’t love him or something crazy like that! But the truth is he is all things wonderful I was just emotionally spent. I felt truly overwhelmed by life and mix that with a large dose of postpartum hormones and you’re sure to jump to some hasty decisions! 
So fast forward like a year-ish. Life was good and suddenly my husband and I both started to think on that baby number four we always wanted! 

Jeremy was the first one bold enough to speak out that he thought we needed one more to complete our family and as alsways his confidence rubbed off on me and quickly I’m in agreement! He makes me feel so brave and sure of myself! It really is one of his most remarkable qualities! 

But anywaysssss as we think more on the timing of baby number four we have found ourselves in a few situations where we are looking for a little more independence from River before we dive back into full on baby mode again! I.e. We’d like a little getaway… or five just the two of us! But you try doin that’s next to impossible task with are little nursin babe! He sleeps through the night and has for months but I nurse him every night before bed and I’m the only one who has ever put him down! 

So step one in desiring a little more independence is going out on a date and having my sister put River to bed…. no nursing…. no mama! And they did it! He was a total freaking rockstar and had zero issues! I had extremely mixed emotions about his “success” but it for sure is getting us closer to our goal of some good quality mama and papa time!
So I’m daydreaming of a weekend away to Palm Springs for starters! Palm Springs is our favorite but I’m thinking we may wanna try an all new hotel! Any recommendations?!  
Oh and because no post is complete without outfit details let me let you in on a little secret! 

Telegraph Ave Kid // I just recently discovered them and I’m loooooving everything they do! River’s romper and bloomer are from them and they are just so cute and comfy! So, you’re welcome in advance! Hahaha 

Okay I know that title isn’t that nice but it’s really true. Especially in my life! During my first pregnancy I swore I had a sign on my forehead that said, “please say something rude about how huge I am” or “please tell me your horror stories about your friend’s  uncle’s cousin who lost a baby or was diagnosed with some extremely scary and rare sickness while pregnant!”  It was madness! It’s cool though, I got really good at blocking that stuff out  or changing the subject at super human speed! At that time I wanted to just yell don’t curse me like that but I wasn’t quite brave enough at that point. Now, it’s a different story. I’m super non confrontational but with age and a little more experience in this mom game I’ve gotten at least a little better at speaking up for myself and not letting people’s words break me down. 

Today I took all three kiddos to the grocery store. I usually try and juggle things so I can go alone or at least leave someone at home just so I can get in and out faster. But today we all just went together. I had River strapped to my chest in the ergo and phinny and louie by my side. Everyone was happy, helpful, and great listeners! It’s not always that way…. But today we were kicking booty! I was feeling great! Everyone was smiling at the kids and other mamas and I were making eye contact and shooting each other hugs and high fives as we knew we were in this together! Then…. Dun dun dun duuuuuuunn…. There was this middle aged women who was smiling at River, he’s a suuuuper smiley babe so it’s pretty typical for him to attract attention. She smiled at him and we both kept shopping. Then we ran into each other again in another aisle and she stopped me and said, “oh I just have to get a better look at him” I smiled and politely made small talk with her. She looked at the big kids and commented on how cute they were. They continued to be well behaved and polite. Then it happen. She opened her mouth and the stupid started flowing! She looked at me and said,  “well it’s better you than me.” I paused and without much thought I quickly responded, “yes, I am very glad they are mine and not yours!” I smiled and then we walked away. 

As I continued shopping I thought how proud I was of my response. A few years ago I would have said nothing and been really hurt by her statement.  But not today! Instead I stood up for myself and the ones I love. The last thing I would ever want is for my children to view themselves as some sort of punishment. Like that lady lucked out by not “having to have them” and somehow I was unlucky and got stuck with them! Truly I have no idea if my kids even picked up on it but our words are important and even if the message was subconscious I am glad I stopped it in its tracks. 

I am far from a perfect mother and my kids do plenty of crazy things…. Like when we left the grocery store and Lou popped a squat and peed next to the car because she was going to have an accident and there was no way I could get everyone to a bathroom in time! But regardless- I love them, I want them, and I choose them!

A high priority for me as their mama is teaching them their value. I can teach them by simply demonstrating to them their high value to me and that looks like defending them and sticking up for them in moments like today. 

I read a quote by Jenny Mccarthy when I was pregnant with Phinn about how important it is for new mamas to be gracious with themselves during postpartum. I can’t remember the quote exactly but it was some to the effect of it taking nine months to put the baby weight on so allow yourself nine months to take it off. 

At the time that sounded great to me! Nine months sounded like a long time! I thought to myself ‘oh I’ll do that no problem!’ Hahhahaha! Well when Phinn was 9 months old I was already 4 months pregnant with Tallulah! Soooo there went that plan! 

After Lou was born I was exhausted and overwhelmed by the amount of weight I needed to drop! I had two babies back to back and my body took a few solid hits! As I started to approach the 9 month mark I started to feel a lot of pressure to be back to “normal”! I began to put this expectation on myself and started to beat myself up for missing it! Instead of celebrating all that my body did and was continuing to do I started to hate it. I was jealous of those moms that just nursed themselves skinny!! If you’re one of those mamas… All the praise hands! Fingers crossed I come back as someone like you in my next life! Ha! Just kidding! I know we each have our own journey and I’m thankful for mine and I totally celebrate yours! 

Anyways, when Lou was 10 months old I finally felt ready to tackle the weight loss. I did the whole30 and then transitioned into paleo. I did that from August 20th until mid December. During that time I lost over 50 pounds and was actually lower than my wedding weight! I worked hard, made sacrifices, and fully enjoyed the reward! I felt fantastic! 

Fast forward a bit. Baby number three arrives. The weight loss is slow and I feel like I blinked and he was 9 months! Again I started to feel the pressure of all the I should haves! I should be back to my pre baby weight by now. I should be more careful about what I’m eating. I should be working out more or harder! The list goes on and you get the idea.

The truth is sometimes you just don’t have the grace to tackle certain things but when the time is right it just clicks. When River hit the ten month mark I felt ready. I gave myself the goal of being back to my pre pregnancy weight by his first birthday! It felt realistic for me and even though the timing fell right over the holidays I felt the grace to do it. 

River will be 1 in twelve days and I’m about 5 pounds away from my goal. I think I’ll make it but if not that’s okay. I’m learning to be gentel with myself. I’m learning to be comfortable in my own skin regardless of a number on a scale. I’m taking the time to love myself for who I am and not for what I look like. I’m finding my confidence again and feeling back to normal. For me carrying around extra weight weighs on my emotions negatively and I just don’t want to waste my days there. I want to live in freedom and enjoy my life exactly where I am in every situation. I’m focused and practicing doing just that! 

Hair extensions

Hat
Diaper bag
Scarf (similar)
Jacket (similar)
Jeans
Shoes (similar)

This last year was pretty brutal and our hearts are still in recovery mode. A little more than half way through 2015 we suffered and insanely painful loss of a friend and the end of 2015 brought another tragic and unexpected loss of a family member. I felt completely crushed and yet like I was sprinting into 2016. I felt like I couldn’t get out of 2015 fast enough and that somehow 2016 would bring shelter from the pain and provide safety. Turns out it didn’t really go that way. Instead it was a year filled with so much change and just the harsh reality of how life just goes on no matter how badly you are hurting. My head was spinning and my heart was aching. I had a zillion answerless questions. On top of that I entered motherhood for the third time. River was born at the end of January. He was beautiful and perfect in every way yet my heart was scared to connect with his. I was fragile. I was broken. How was I suppose to love him perfectly in the midsts of what felt like an overwhelming sea of uncertainty. I questioned everything I thought I knew about myself. I made statements about being done having babies, even though I have always wanted four, and I started pondering the idea of moving away and starting over… With my little family of course! 

As this year is concluding I’m finding more clarity. I’m digging deep and reminding myself that I am brave and that I refuse to allow fear to dictate my decision making. I’m reminding myself of God’s promises and I’m standing on His truth even in the storm. 

My exterior is pretty tough and I stay pretty even tempered. I always try and remain positive so even the people closest to me will probably be shocked by some of these truths. But with 2017 approaching I am choosing positivity as well as vulnerability. I’m choosing to not always present myself as “all together” and I am determined to connect more deeply and live my life more presently. Pain is tricky. Grief is tricky. It all comes in waves and sometimes I ride the waves well and other times they knock me on my ass. I’m not gonna be afraid of people learning that I’m down and I’m not going to shy away from others re learning things about me. I’m giving myself the freedom to change old patterns and break bad habits. I know it’s gonna be hard and there will undoubtably be growing pains but I’m strong and I will get through this. 

So ready or not here comes 2017 and with that I’m thinking there will be some big changes for this crew of mine! 

For as long as I can remember I’ve been calling myself a sunshine girl! I always say summer is my season but I’m starting to think I’ve been lying 🙈Come September I’m jonesing for oversized boyfriend sweaters and beanies but Southern California doesn’t really get the memo! 😩😩😩

But cooler weather or not we sucked it up and headed to the pumpkin patch with our some friends and made some memories! 

Some of our highlights were Phinn being mad that pumpkins were dirty, Lou wanting to run off with whoever walked by, and River trying to eat fist fulls of hay! 

This crew sure isn’t perfect but we are pretty fun! Enjoy your adventures! We are already ready for our next one!

One of my very best friends lives all the way in New York City and she came to visit! It was amazing to have her here for the week! I got to play tour guide and one of our best days was spent exploring Palm Springs! 

We had planned to spend the day there so when River woke up with his first cold the morning we were leaving I was a bit nervous but he miraculously hung all day like a total champion! 

If you live in Southern California and ever want a fun little day trip don’t overlook Palm Springs! Typically we always go out for a few days but time didn’t allow that this time and it was still perfect! We had lunch at The Ace Hotel, Drinks at the Parker, dessert at The ice cream shop(pe) explored the desert, stopped by an amazing cactus farm that was unfortunately closed and of course had to check out the famous Pink door house! 

The Ace// 

Parker//

That pink door//

We had so much fun! Palm Springs has my heart forever! 

Happy Tuesday babes!

Xo!

S 

So I’ll be honest… Change is hard for me. I hated on snapchat for sooooo long before I finally caved and got it! THEN I was hooked!!! I mean honestly can anyone get enough of the puppy and goddess filter?!?? I’m goin with nooooope!   
So anyways I was into snapping little silly bits and pieces of our day and then Instagram stories got released and I HATED it! I didn’t understand why anyone would want to integrate the two plus I was mad that Instagram ripped off snapchat! 

See, I try to curate my Instagram a very perticular way. I control what I post and how I present myself but on snap I’d just let it all hang out. All the makeup free days! All the sweat pants! All the dirty kids! It was all there while insta got to remain pretty! I liked that! It made sense to me!   …. 🙈🙈🙈 eeeek sorta telling of my personality! 
But I’ve grown! I’ve matured! I’ve accepted change and I’m into insta stories now!! Hahha😂😜!  It’s nice having everything in one place and last night I captured a view gems I never wanna forget! ​

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​​​​​Cinematic gold. 

Happy Sunday friends!

Xo!

S

This morning started slow…. A little too slow, but instead of over thinking it I just enjoyed it. Having three kids with lots of needs doesn’t exactly make for easy breezy mornings! So today we moved a little slower and just enjoyed it for a bit. Little Lou finally woke up at ten to eight and I quickly realized she wasn’t feeling her best. We took it easy and she rested up. We’ve been goin goin goin and I think it finally just caught up with her. 
She rested and we even got to watch The Babysitters Club together! Side note on that movie in case you aren’t aware of its greatness! It was my faaaaaavorite movie when I was a kid and for my 10th birthday my parents got me the vhs… We watched it once and then my dad stepped on it and broke it by accident. Ooops! Buuuuut have no fear they just added it to on demand! So watch up friends! 

Anyways she’s feeling way better and I’m feeling relaxed. I’m so thankful I get to be this little lady’s mama. She’s so special! 

Xo!

S

For the last 15 years my family (aunts uncles, cousins included) has been renting beach houses together and spending a week in the sunshine just enjoying this beautiful life. We just got back from Laguna a few days ago and it was so necessary for my little fam. Spending time together connecting outside of the stresses that come from daily life felt so good. It felt so good to be sandy and messy and just forget about life outside of that moment with my babies. I swam with the kids, built sand castles, took naps on the sand, dated my sweet hubs and just lived. We made lasting memories together and the big kids can’t stop taking about “next summer” and talking to their cousins all day like they are actually here! 

Now I’ve just gotta come up with some sort of genius plan to get Jeremy out of his job and home with us all the time! Any ideas?! Haha

Xo!

S